PS I'm looking for a husband, so pass this around.
1. SANDWICHES
THE MILLI VANILLIi-
This sandwich is a classic for me. There is one rule that you must abide by in this- the mash potatoes must be fake because clearly in this case fake is better and real is not. Just like Milli Vanilli, I mean, come on, have you even seen the real guy?
You need:
Fake garlic mashed potatoes smothered in butter
Can of corn. I like the one with the hot green guy on it.
Buttered white bread. If you use wheat or anything else you are gross (unless you use garlic bread, that is killer)
Put it all together and you are on carb overload. You will probably lose your shit on someone, shoot a spouse or beat a dog, but after five minutes of mayhem you will sleep for about two days and wake up not remembering anything. The Milli Vanilli is a great alibi.
THE ORPHAN-
If any of you have met my craptastic, whore bag of a mother you would understand why this sandwich was a staple in my life growing up. I would eat it to get the bitter taste of betrayal, broken promises and bologna out of my mouth.
You need:
Bush's baked beans. Spring for the pork, don't be a cheap ass.
Ketchup
Potato Chips
Buttered Bread
Put that together and you got one hell of a skanky, yet delicious, sandwich which will make you wonder why you didn't just leave home at age three and live off these suckers.
The APHRODISIAC-
Only Will, my ex lover, will understand this one and probably miss the shit outta me. It's okay if you decide to think about this one when you are in bed at night surrounded by candles. Memories....
Sliced turkey meat
2 cups of mayo. Scratch that, just carry the bottle of mayo with you wherever you decide to go...its better smothered, even if you are decided to go to the bedroom to meet your lover.
Bread. in this sandwich it is really just a vehicle for the mayo. If you can figure out a better way to get that mayo in your mouth, be my guest.
Cheese. If you put American on it, you are dead to me, and will soon be dead to the world cause that shit gives you tumors.
Potato chips. Obviously.
Now, if this sandwich doesn't turn you and your lover on, you are beyond couple's counseling and maybe you should just buy a 'Real Doll.' They will never tell you mayo makes you look fat.
THE SWEET TOOTH-
There are many days when I wake up and make pancakes only to trash them and eat The Aphrodisiac instead then go back through the trash and eat the pancakes after. This solves one of those sweet and savory dilemmas.
Make a grilled cheese sandwich. If you use American, be prepared to be slightly retarded and have a mis-shapen head from the tumors.
Use lots of butter, because no one ever got fat from butter
Now, spread a shit ton of strawberry jam on top of that sucker. That's right. It's really flippin' good. I swear.
THE PANTY SNIFFER-
I used to eat a can of tuna a day (I know that recent studies have shown that tuna will give you brain damage from the mercury, well, its true, look at me, fuck, but at least I'm jacked from the protein). This is my favorite way to eat my tunnie sandwich, and no, it does not affect the way your body smells after, unless you douche with the water. I do not recommend. My mother still isn't the same.
Bumble Bee Chunk Light Albacore- anything else is repulsive
Helman's MAYO. Just go to Costco and stock up
Granny Smith Apple Slices
Potato chips
Cheddar Cheese
Relish
Add the relish to the tuna mix, make sure there is a fuck ton of mayo in there, then top with cheese and apple slices. Fucking fabulous. You will wonder why tuna and apples don't grow on the same damn tree. God, couldn't you have just made this one easier to discover?
THE DOLLY-
Me old bestie Dolly, who introduced me to Lean Cuisines Mac and Cheese, a love of rich men, top shelf liquor and bhangra music, also changed my life with this breakfast of champions.
Spinach bagel
ham
cream cheese
Fuck. Yes. It's not weird unless you make it weird.
FAT ELVIS
I didn't invent this one, but I wish I did because it is very special.
Peanut butter, honey, bananas and bacon grilled on extra buttery bread.
I taught this to my Korean students in class one day. Told them it was what all the models and cool people in America eat. One girl went home and made it. She said she liked it. Brown noser.
***** ADDITIONAL COMMENTS*****
If potato chips are in reach they should be added to every sandwich. Fact.
If jalapenos are around, add them too.
Ketchup and Mayonnaise are the reasons we even eat these sandwiches. Also, if you have fries with any of these YOU MUST eat them with a mix of mayo and ketchup. Will Ferrell's fancy sauce.
Butter everything all the time.
Ranch is the nectar of the gods. It belongs on everything. You can even add it to tuna, you must dip bread and pizza in it and salad is for wussies, so you better smother it in ranch in order to man-up.
2. FAST FOOD DELIGHTS
Burger King
If you go to Burger King make sure to ask for extra zesty dipping sauce. This should be smothered on all things. Also, if you go to Burger King, get me a fucking whopper right now.
McDonald's
Fries go on burgers. Fries go in chocolate milkshakes.
KFC
If you don't make a mashed potato, chicken strip, corn, gravy sandwich on a biscuit here I have taught you nothing.
Wendy's
Just order five Cheeseburger Deluxes. It is worth the money.
3. THE DRUNK CHEF
Okay, top things to make when drunk-
-MASHED POTATOES
you knew that was coming
-PANCAKES
Make with multiple sticks of butter and anything that is in front of you.Some special memories- Butter, Graham Cracker and Banana pancakes. I made bacon and potato pancakes once. They were really good .
-CHEESY GARLIC BREAD
Extra cheese. If you are too drunk just order it from Dominos. I miss you Tanya. Nip/tuck nights holler.
-CORN DOGS
If you don't like these you are a communist.
The end. Eat these things today.
My love affair with fake mash.
You should move home and open a restaurant :)
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